fetishists

So my friend and I were talking about the dating crazy, which, as this blog has shown, is in full effect and we wended our way to fetishists. Let's start with the craziest and work our way to the benignly weird.

Bachelors #1...and...#2 ask for your mutual consideration: These two best friends asked my friend if she would willing to date...both of them. That's right, two professionals who wanted to share a girlfriend. They are very busy and important, you see, neither has time to fully devote to a girlfriend, so they want to share. They were actually pretty attractive, self-proclaimedly straight, men who have previously shared a girlfriend and found it to be a great experience. they've seen each otehr naked, so they really really want to share.

Bachelor #3: offered to pay my friend for thr pleasure of licking her butt.

Bachelor #4: This was a very normal looking, tall German man with an average build who says " I don't know why but I've always been attracted to really extremely large women....no 5'10" 550 pounds is NOT too large."

Bachelor #5: This was an actual experience where the man asked all night for my friend to take off her shoes so he coudl gaze at her feet. when she did he rubbed her feet and gazed at them. not publicly awkward at all.

I was walking with a ghost...

Bachelor #1: The question: "what are you most passionate about?"  Answer: "Possibly cycling". profession: "Bicycle shop owner." hobbies: cycling. what is he doing on a typical day?...can you guess? Cycling. I find it amusing that he says he is "possibly" passionate about cycling, since it appers that is all he is able to do. He also says he wants a woman who can remain calm in heavy situations and devise a plan to get out. Sir, are you the cycling version of James Bond? Frankly, I'm kind of intrigued. I've always wanted an element of danger in a relationship. I think. Unfortunately he spells "sadly" with two Ds. "saddly." saddly, indeed.

Bachelor #2: He says is profession is "servant of God, actor, and martial artist." I think this is another way of saying unemployed. He also has a lot of pictures of him in tank tops. I believe he's going for an Eminem effect, but it actually just makes him look like a gay man. which means he would probably get along with another of my matches who says he is most passionate about art and antiques. and dude, the best book you ever read cannot be by Joel Osteen. It just can't.

Bachelor #3: "The person I hang out with most is my best friend (God rest his soul)." ohhhh......

Bachelor #4: "The last book I read was called the Bro Code. It was funny and made very little cents"(horrific)." I also loved a book by Glenn Beck." Then, sir, you cannot love me.

Bachelor#5, what do you do in your leisure time? "I PLAY DOMINOES.SOMETIMES WITH MY KIDS. THAT'S ALL." that's funny, that's exactly what I do, sir. and funny enough none of my kids live with me either.

But then I said "what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"

AH do you remember that song, a song in which a guy and girl are breaking up because she says they have nothing in common, no common ground to start from...? and he says "wait, but we both liked that movie Breakfast at Tiffany's" and tries to get her to reconsider.

Well, I have a man who messaged me. According to our dating site we are a 17% love match. 12% friend match, and 73% enemy. here was his message "you look really nice and I think we are in the same age range, so maybe we can meet up and have a good time together." that's right. we are both in our 30s. that is our Breakfast at Tiffany's....maybe this could work!

The other awesome message I got was from a guy I havent heard from in 9 months who messaged me, 9 months later, to tell me he isn't going to be messaging me anymore. um, yeah friend, got it! Why he felt compelled 9 months after our last *dating web site* correspondence to send a full message explaining how being 2 hours away is loong distance and he was previously ruined by a long distance relationship, is beyond me. Thank God he wrote that because I was waiting like Miss Havisham in my date dress every minute for him to get back to me, hoping maybe THIS would be the day. i'm going to shower now.

It sounds right..but it's wrong

Bachelor #1: My new amour says, "I don't no the last book I read."

Bachelor #2: I shouldn't be so hard on him because he really just wants to encourage people, but his spelling mistakes are great because he doesn't actually misspell, he uses homophones to create subtly wrong meanings.

1) Answering "the one thing I am most passionate about" he says, "This would be fully expressing the potential of your skills and abilities. (Julie interjects: this is a stupid explanation, anyway, go on...) Mine would be making possible the ability of someone to reach their goals in fitness through personnel training. To see someones life transform in front of you through exercise, and to think I was a cause to that is simply amazing." exercise? I thought you just said you liked to help people reach their fitness goals through personnel training, so I thought you were passionate about a human resources related field. my bad.

2) "I really have a high respect for people who desire to reach their potential. I would love to be apart of helping them reach their goals." I also like to distance myself from people I respect who are trying to reach their goals. They are annoying in the pursuit of their dreams.

3) "Although I do plan ahead, I tend to have frequent moments of spontaneous ideas. One moment your sitting on the coach watching TV and the next moment your riding a rollercoster." sitting on the coach? is that a euphemism for you as a fitness trainer? I'm cool with sexy time, but don't tempt me with rollercoaster rides when you really want to have sex. it's not the same.

The message that will be on the news

I got a message from a guy that says "Hey pretty lady, can I get to know you better?" and then he gives his email and phone number. At first I was thinking "what a fool to give me his information, what if I'm psycho?" and then I realized...it's probably because HE'S psycho. and that message will be the thing that the CSI people get off my computer after I disappear and everyone's like "where did Julie go" and they'll see this message. and that's the message they will blow up on the evening news and my life will live on as a warning to others.

Racial Backroads and other tidbits

So my friend and I are both online with the same dating website, and we realized we'd both been messaged by the same guy. And then we compared messages, and it turns out it was the EXACT SAME MESSAGE. It said:

"Hi. I really enjoyed your profile. I liked a few things in particular: that you are passionate about your faith and that you’re intelligent (both come through very clearly). And you’re very pretty. I’d love to hear more about you. Can we chat sometime?"

So we had a good laugh over that, but now I wonder how many of the guys on here just have generic messages that they send to every girl...probably a lot of them...so now I'll be wondering if every message I get is just something the guy copied and pasted into an e-mail. Sigh. As if I wasn't cynical enough already.

Another good quotes from a recent message:

"I'm into dating women of all racial backroads." I love that. I wonder what racial backroad he thinks I am from?

And a quote from one guy's profile: "I will not be responding to any messages from south east Asia. I hope you understand."

I like to listen to Tool because I *am* a tool

As a woman with a working mind and a career there's really no better way to attract me than to refer to women as "Barbie." In Bachelor#1's words (answering a question about important influences in his life): "a person's relationship with their parents is far more important than most relationships. And no I don't feel like arguing about it with you Barbi." Now, his parents (Dad specifically) might be an important influence but he later states that "of course" he doesn't act the same way around his parents as he does his friends, "not that I'm a waffler like Al Gore either."

Is it offensive that he can't even spell Barbie? I'm kind of happy the misspelling is there because it's really the icing on the misogynist cake. He talks about his penis a lot (maybe that's one way he acts differently around his friends than around his parents?) He talks about his penis and his hot body...then instructs the Barbies reading his profile to get their minds out of the gutter...but then later he says he hopes his future love owns a vibrator. He likes to restate facts condescendingly, he says he's "thankful for free will, which is commonly overlooked" and then explains what it is. I guess Barbies probably are too dumb to know what free will is. And somehow I doubt anyone dating him will have any. He also criticizes the pre-form eharmony text. the box says "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is..." In response to this seemingly harmless text he writes, "why does it say "a person," shouldn't it say "girl or woman?" because he is a homophobe, and so vehemently so that it's probably a matter of time before he comes out of the closet himself. When he does, all of his penis love and boasting will be a great attractor to his new beaus. He writes many times that he likes the music of Tool. That seems to be the best descriptor for him.

Bachelor #2 for today has a series of pictures that show him going from merely looking hairy and douchebaggy, to being on a cell phone in a club, to being very drunk in a club, posing with other women, and finally with his head on the table passed out. he also says the most influential people in his life have been heroes of the Bible and how they handle their personal lives. he even mentions David, and actually the drunkenness and whoring really *is* sort of Davidesque. Are you thinking what I am thinking? I could be dating the modern day David. He says twice that he is thankful for "my country" but due to well-crafted sentences such as this, "Even though I may or may not oppose their thoughts, the most important thing that I become more in depth by understanding a different view point of life through exchanging thoughts and feelings with someone else." I have a feeling the country he is thankful for is not the USA.

Bachelor #3 seems legitimately awesome. I wish I could violate his privacy by posting his profile because it should be a template for all other dating profiles. examples: his statement for the "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is..." he says, "I'm looking for a girl that can make me laugh. I'm not talking about a chuckle here or there, but seriously, belly-aching, can't-breathe funny. Oh, and if she can play golf better than me (which isn't saying much), that would be great, too. In fact, I'd love it if she were better than me in a lot of stuff - sports, trivia, singing, games, or cooking. I'm looking for a partner, not a dependent." In response to "besides your parents who has been the most important influence in your life?" he writes, "Homer Simpson! He's a failure at virtually everything, and yet he manages to keep his family, home, and marriage. Ultimately, he means well, and I think that counts for everything."

wanna guess bachelor #3's ethnicity? ........he........is..........Korean! of course he is! Koreans write the best dating profiles. It's like a natural law. Like gravity.

Bachelor #4 says he loves ketchup. Now some of you probably think "awesome" and may even think "awesome *because* Julie loves sauces too." But actually, ketchup is the nasty white trash of condiments. Ketchup isn't even a sauce to me. sometimes it exists if a french fry is in the vicinity. otherwise it is dead to me. Mustard is an adult condiment. He also says he is "doing the navy right now." hmmm, perhaps we could word that better until DADT is officially repealed and then by all means, divulge all you want.

Just Shoot Me

I signed up with an online dating site yesterday. It takes a lot for me to plunge back into this world, I haven't had the stomach for it for a few about a year. But I was recently convicted by a friend that I can't pray to God to bring me a soulmate and then sit on my ass and do nothing.

So, just went on and checked my messages. My favorite was from a man with a mullet. Which is already fully gray. And I should note he's balding on top so its really only half a mullet. He says:

"noticed your profile shows you have many interestest flowing and developed from the foundation of your christian parents- including living and loving Taiwan and as well justice.as a passion for social justice....and perhaps it goes without saying oriental foods..."

I should note this man is not Asian. If only. No, he is from Saskatchewan. And he is 51.

you're in. urine.

I have just been matched with a man whose main picture is of him holding up a full urine sample cup. Stop the presses. My soulmate has arrived. He "loves anything old west" and is looking for a woman ages 18-95. yes, I think I'm in! I've often been told I could be a bar wench and I think that extends to being an "old west" prostitute/waitress.

Bachelor #2 tells me this about the woman he is looking for: I'm attracted to women with the following qualities: sweet, family oriented, non-smoker, occasional drinks (ok), familiar with GOD, financially complementing, educated, skinny (ok), average weight (ok), a little thick (ok).

First, "a little thick (ok)". Thanks for being an equal opportunity body lover, sir. particularly hilarious especially since this is not a person who can really afford to be picky re: looks. actually all of his little approvals given to the side were pretty funny. and what does "financially complementing" mean? Why doesn't he have an approval scale for those, like $5,000 (not ok) $30,000 (ok), $50,000 (ok).

Bachelor #3: that's a nice cowboy hat you're wearing, sir. and you love hunting and your kids? oh, and not a big reader? shocking. FAIL.

Bachelor #4's first sentence is "My mother is my best friend." His last sentence is "I need a woman who respects her mother and mine." I think this man has been in a sitcom...and in an episode of law&order that ended in murder.

Viva Korea

I'm going to admit this once and only once: I'm desperate to get into the world of Korean dating. Koreans are like the gold standard on dating websites. Let me explain: while Koreans are just as fine as all other Asian races in general, for some reason, on American dating websites, Koreans consistently have the best profiles of any racial group. period. They must hold some sort of class in the community centers or something. Korean profiles are consistently funny, self-deprecating, intelligent, sans any weird, horrific pictures. They are also the hardest racial group to crack. I once let out a whoop of joy when I got to round 4 of messaging with a Korean. Why do you mention this now, Julie? Well, I just got paired with a Korean whose profile was pretty sparse. Both of his pictures are of him unsmiling with his arms crossed, which is your basic posture for "I am hostile, go away." But....I messaged him anyway. Because..itt isn't about him, really. He has the basic good structure--grad student, one humorous thing, one religious tidbit... Isn't that sad? what have I become? a user.

Our second daily submission tells us that he loves Star Wars. He also doesn't seem to love bathing, which is sort of typical of his kind. But his requirements in a woman are basically that she physically be an anime character...who makes a lot of money. So he wants a sugar mama anime character. In 15 years he will wake up bald, with a paunch, and wonder why he is alone, so very alone.

Bachelor 3 has a shirtless picture of himself with his also shirtles smanfriend behind him with his hand on his shoulder. I just have a feeling he might not really mesh with my gender. Just a feeling.

and done.

chat attack

So the two times I haven't disabled my chat, I have gotten chatted up by someone who basically wanted an instant booty call. Apparently I am a virtual monastic because I find it horrifying that anyone would want to do such a thing. I was also recently regaled with a friend's stories of treating her STDs at Planned Parenthood, and that whole ordeal nearly made me sew it all up and forget about it. So, the exciting spontaneity of hitting it off over chat and then getting it on pales in comparison to the idea of genital herpes.

Oh man. Bachelor number one seems kind of sweet..for another girl. He likes country music and...smooth jazz. Who even admits to this? and who is under 60 and has these tastes? I kind of wanted to send him the research from my Brain Candy book saying that country music increases suicide rates among white men. I should be like " I can't love you because you are inevitably going to off yourself in an untimely and horrifying manner."

bachelor #2...lists his occupation as "cu" as in...is his occupation to "see me?" in which case, awesome, i've always wanted a stalker. He also gives this tempting tidbit: "I tend to expand other peoples ideas to the extreme edges of reality." He ends by saying he enjoys messing with people when he "expands their reality". What an enormous ass. Who would want to be around this person? You know expanded my idea of reality? The guy who posted pictures of himself as Jesus and God. This guy has no mind-altering pictures, only infinite word pictures of condescension.

Why? Oh why, cruel world?

So I just signed up for a dating site which will remain nameless. The worst part of these sites is trying to encapsulate all of your fabulousness in a few lines written into the void.
All of that said, I soon realized that I shouldn't have worried about my profile so much. Some of my matches had profiles that were naked cries for help. My favorite bachelor tried to tempt me with this as the first line of his profile:
A lot of things happening around me...But in the middle, there's this unescapable voidness and I'm not depressed. I guess I just need a spark that would make my surroundings as colorful as it was before. I am Reasonable, Understanding, and Lonely.

It's nice that he can love on after looking into the "unescapable voidness."

languages

Unh, so I have this ex coworker who is so gorgeous. And he messages me on facebook every once in a while. And he is so sweet and he's a photographer and an artist, but he's totally approachable and dependable. But oh man, does he barely speak English. He's like the Rodrigo Santoro to my Love Actually's Laura Linney. And we'll make it stiltingly through chat and I'm like, hmmm, maybe, you know..and then..he signs off  "keep connection!" grooooaaannnn. Sweet Lord, there is no justice.

Holy shit. seriously.

I get being a little insecure about how you look. You know, life is hard for the less beautiful of us. So usually dudes will post pictures where they are the size of a staple. Maybe side pics. Pics hugging friends...But this is a new one. I just got messaged by a man whose profile pictures are of Jesus and God. Think I'm kidding? I don't think I'll be compromising anyone's privacy by posting these:

This guy (pause to compose self). This guy...is all up on his confusing religious high horse for the first part of the message. and then, reveals he is single, has no kids, but. BUT. he was once engaged, until.HE.cheated. HORRIFIC.

So bachelor #2 was kind of exciting. He loves travel, his ideal life would be to start a family and live part of the year in the mountains and part on the beach. And I'm a spontaneous dame, I'd be up for that. So what if he spells the word "enjoy" as "injoy"...5 times. He's..in..joy. yeah, so what does this man do that we can have a dashing, multicity family life? Occupation: Nothing. He is unemployed. So he lives in his delicious dreams. Unless he lives off the royalties of some songs his father wrote, ala Hugh Grant in About a Boy...though I don't think I'm going to stick around to find out. I'm no stranger to this m.o., actually. I've now been fully proposed to by two Middle Eastern men working night shifts at gas stations. One told me he would give me four days to consider his proposal. I was also offered a position as one man's girlfriend after he told me that every day he ate the 2-for-1 muffins sold by the cafe down the street. Oh sirs..all very tempting, but...no.

Hunters and serial killers, I'm no one's tender grass

Today is one of those days when I wish I were a lesbian. My hair color clearly should have been red, but some work of the devil made it blonde, so God gave me Feria to rectify things. Why can't I dye my orientation?

Bachelor #1: My first message of the day was from a FIFTY-THREE year old man. His message started with the sentence "I like your face." Hmm. I guess it's better than him not liking my face. Anyway, he found me from alikewise, the book website. And his #1 favorite book is In Cold Blood by Capote, and they didn't get cheerier from there. He is clearly a serial killer and "likes my face" for the wrong reasons. This made me ponder a moment what was worse than singledom and rather quickly I came up with "being murdered" and "dating a 53 year old". Men are really fantastically optimistic when it comes to this age issue. There's a Chinese saying "Old cows like to eat tender grass" and in its gross, humorous way, I think it sums up this situation nicely.

Bachelor #2: For the record, I did not, in any forum, express anything but disdain for killing and/or our country's woeful educational system, so why am I being paired with so many effing hunters who can't spell or punctuate? hence bachelor 2: "what are you passionate about? hunting faith and love". Now, if he were passionate about hunting for faith, that could be intriguing. "How do you spend your leisure time? nature, pets, prayer." at least we got some commas in there! I'm glad he likes to raise animals and also to kill them. His whole profile had 20 of his own words. Possibly a minimalist record.

Bachelor #3: just one picture. and that picture is of a headless torso and crotch. Just how I always imagined I'd explain it to my children. *sigh*

Theoretically, if I were into you at all...

I have been conversing with a bizarrely enthusiastic hipster man who, in his last message, used 9 exclamation points in 4 lines. That's too many. Is there a quota? I don't know. Now, believe me, I understand that there are far worse heights of douchery that can be achieved, so it's not a dealbreaker or anything. But whatever exclamatory boundary there is, he has crossed it.

Bachelor #1 for today leads me to this question: Would it be rude to message someone to let them know I think they might have a learning disability? He has written words on his profile..do said words make sense together?... I'll let you take a look. This answer is to the question "what book did you last read?" He answers, "I'm not much into reading books but If i was i would read histroical events and true storys in not into Fiction True story Movies are the best because you get to see and get a touch of what went on in that moment." First, this proper nouning of random words in his life is rampant throughout said profile. Second, yes he is a native English speaker...apparently. Third, I like that he answered this theoretically. I might have to take a page from this man's book. For example, to questions about my physical prowess, "If I were an athletic person, I would do triathlons and climb Mt. Everest drinking hot chocolate, I would enjoy running on the beach." He also uses the word "underspoken" and says many women try to turn him down nicely because of his underspokenness and because his mind wanders. I feel a little sorry for him. Sadly, though he may be a perfectly nice man, I don't think I would really, or theoretically, enjoy dating him.

Bachelor #2: I made a bet with myself that if my match, Melvin, wasn't Asian I would eat my own bonnet. I totally won. Of course Melvin is Asian. I do know some things in my heart.

Bachelor #3's favorite place to travel is Florin....Are we traveling to the Princess Bride? He may have also unearthed a new favorite misspelling..."closet" instead of "closest". He says that "only my closet friends know the outgoing me." There are many a gay and delusional road to be traveled with this typo. Enjoy!

Bachelor #4 is also very exclamatory. He also likes WRITING WITH CAPS LOCK ON. he doesn't like commas, which gives us one particularly excellent insight when he says, in response to the question "what do you enjoy doing?" "CHURCH WEIGHT LIFTING" Did I mention he wants to become a PASTOR CAGE FIGHTER? This guy and the dude who wrote The Shack, with its muscly Jesus, are probably right in line.

Bachelor #5  "would like to meet a sweet, genuine girl who is not rude, bitchy or full of herself." et tu, my friend.

In their own words....

I was inundated by matches, and the first one I saw indicated that this entry needed some suspenseful leadup. So, without further ado:

My magical first pairing. Bachelor #1 in his own words: "I have a Rastafarian/Christian world view. By that, I mean I live life closer to that of a Rasta Man than a traditional American Christian but I follow Jesus instead of Ras Tafari."

What this means is: I am a Christian person, but I smoke a lot of pot.

Bachelor #2: what is he looking for in a woman? "The fruit of Love, and all the characteristics that make up the fruit of Love!"

I know he's trying to be Biblical, but I can't get over the "fruit of love" euphemism. I feel like I'm looking at a Georgia O'Keefe painting.

Bachelor #3 has a picture of himself with a dead moose that he just shot and many pictures that appear to be either mug shots or closeups from a yearbook.

Bachelor #4: Felipe...the Japanese guy?

Bachelor #5: I love it when people are indignant and condescending in their profiles before you even get to talk to them. here's an excerpt from this dude's profile: "The bible promises trouble for those who marry, yet here we seek it. Vows mean nothing until they are tested. If you think love is an adjective, don't waste your time trying to get to know me."

"yet here we seek it." actually sir, no *we* don't.

Bachelor #6: appears to think "the" is spelled "tha" and also doesn't like finishing words. Just=jus telling=tellin keeping=keepin. The last book he read is "!"

Bachelor #7 in his own words "The art of seduction by Robert Greene. I haven't finished it yet but is interesting how he explains in what type of seducer you can fit and how to exploit this abilities not only to improve your love life also for your social life and career goals. "

At least he isn't trying to hide the fact that he is trying to manipulate me. or rather, exploit me.

Bachelor #8: I'd like to thank him for the nearly nude photo. he asks us not to judge a book by its cover. then why am I looking at your pelvic bones, sir? but he has this advice for all us ladies living life to  the fullest each day, "have a smile on your face when you wake up in the mourning"

and done.

mother teresa?

Now, I love a man who loves social justice, okay, but when today's first pairing says he is looking for someone selfless like Mother Teresa, Gandhi or Jesus, I can't help but think a) maybe our standards and expectations are a little high and b) 2/3 of those examples were celibate. and gandhi became celibate late in life. soooo, why are you on a dating website if you want to marry a virgin, and possibly a man virgin. but you have 3 kids. I think you want a maid/daycare provider. as opposed to yesterday's rapist, this man expects *no* sex. and he spelled "heart" "hart".

#2 refers to  the person he wants to meet as "that certain someone" 7 times. the last book he read? "it was about relationships. it helped open my mind to, (get ready for it) relationships" thanks sir. another good captain obvious quote "I am thankful for my health, it makes me healthy", oh, and "i like proverbs, they are about wisdom."

Imperfection

Bachelor # 1 from today's selection says the most important thing he is looking for in a woman is imperfection. if i were a serial killer i would be on that like white on rice.

Bachelor #2 felt constrained by the pre-formed eharmony answers to the question "how do you feel about premarital sex" and so he added his own answer which was "I expect sex in a relationship". Thanks for letting me know, rapist.

Bachelor #3: sort of adorable, but again poses the question "can I date someone who can't, not once, use the word "than" correctly and always writes "then" ?

Bachelor #4: His life goal is to raise his sons (plural) to be good Christians and good hunters.

and close.

temper temper

bachelor #1: even better than the man who at least waited until our first date to tell me he had anger management problems, this guy admits to it in our 2nd correspondence and says he loses his temper on average once a day

bachelor #2: "I'm a total gym freak, I belong to a Brazillian Jiu Jitsu Team and I compete often." he repeats this later and has some serious spelling problems.

bachelor #3: this is more of a personal existential question. can i date anyone whose last read and loved book is Tuesdays with Morrie...and who goes on to explain the "lifechanging" plot?

bachelor #4: passionate about the theater. refers to it as his craft. oh gosh.

the braces are off

bachelor #1: sparse profile. what is he looking for:? "I am looking for my wife.I dont have the braces anymore."

He also says the most important thing he is looking for in someone else is "unconditional love for me."

Well, the braces are off, time to find a wife.

bachelor #2: personality description:  I'm motivated because I have haters that's mad ... The devil is upset with me ..
What do people notice about this man: That guy is so cool, calm, relaxed his swag is on point ... Wow ... He's a thinker ... He's smart ... He's a God fearing man ... He's so unpredictable ... I think I wanna have his baby ...
He also requests a woman with pretty feet.

bachelor#3: appears to be an active gang member.

Strength from Humor

Allright, I need some strength to help get me through this whole online dating process. I wanted to be able to share either hilarious or totally untempting entries from online dating websites. Or of course stories of bad dates, i.e. on our first date he told me all about his anger management problems. Just whatever, venting, hilarity, sadness. just wanted a forum to help get through it.