I like to listen to Tool because I *am* a tool

As a woman with a working mind and a career there's really no better way to attract me than to refer to women as "Barbie." In Bachelor#1's words (answering a question about important influences in his life): "a person's relationship with their parents is far more important than most relationships. And no I don't feel like arguing about it with you Barbi." Now, his parents (Dad specifically) might be an important influence but he later states that "of course" he doesn't act the same way around his parents as he does his friends, "not that I'm a waffler like Al Gore either."

Is it offensive that he can't even spell Barbie? I'm kind of happy the misspelling is there because it's really the icing on the misogynist cake. He talks about his penis a lot (maybe that's one way he acts differently around his friends than around his parents?) He talks about his penis and his hot body...then instructs the Barbies reading his profile to get their minds out of the gutter...but then later he says he hopes his future love owns a vibrator. He likes to restate facts condescendingly, he says he's "thankful for free will, which is commonly overlooked" and then explains what it is. I guess Barbies probably are too dumb to know what free will is. And somehow I doubt anyone dating him will have any. He also criticizes the pre-form eharmony text. the box says "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is..." In response to this seemingly harmless text he writes, "why does it say "a person," shouldn't it say "girl or woman?" because he is a homophobe, and so vehemently so that it's probably a matter of time before he comes out of the closet himself. When he does, all of his penis love and boasting will be a great attractor to his new beaus. He writes many times that he likes the music of Tool. That seems to be the best descriptor for him.

Bachelor #2 for today has a series of pictures that show him going from merely looking hairy and douchebaggy, to being on a cell phone in a club, to being very drunk in a club, posing with other women, and finally with his head on the table passed out. he also says the most influential people in his life have been heroes of the Bible and how they handle their personal lives. he even mentions David, and actually the drunkenness and whoring really *is* sort of Davidesque. Are you thinking what I am thinking? I could be dating the modern day David. He says twice that he is thankful for "my country" but due to well-crafted sentences such as this, "Even though I may or may not oppose their thoughts, the most important thing that I become more in depth by understanding a different view point of life through exchanging thoughts and feelings with someone else." I have a feeling the country he is thankful for is not the USA.

Bachelor #3 seems legitimately awesome. I wish I could violate his privacy by posting his profile because it should be a template for all other dating profiles. examples: his statement for the "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is..." he says, "I'm looking for a girl that can make me laugh. I'm not talking about a chuckle here or there, but seriously, belly-aching, can't-breathe funny. Oh, and if she can play golf better than me (which isn't saying much), that would be great, too. In fact, I'd love it if she were better than me in a lot of stuff - sports, trivia, singing, games, or cooking. I'm looking for a partner, not a dependent." In response to "besides your parents who has been the most important influence in your life?" he writes, "Homer Simpson! He's a failure at virtually everything, and yet he manages to keep his family, home, and marriage. Ultimately, he means well, and I think that counts for everything."

wanna guess bachelor #3's ethnicity? ........he........is..........Korean! of course he is! Koreans write the best dating profiles. It's like a natural law. Like gravity.

Bachelor #4 says he loves ketchup. Now some of you probably think "awesome" and may even think "awesome *because* Julie loves sauces too." But actually, ketchup is the nasty white trash of condiments. Ketchup isn't even a sauce to me. sometimes it exists if a french fry is in the vicinity. otherwise it is dead to me. Mustard is an adult condiment. He also says he is "doing the navy right now." hmmm, perhaps we could word that better until DADT is officially repealed and then by all means, divulge all you want.