It sounds right..but it's wrong

Bachelor #1: My new amour says, "I don't no the last book I read."

Bachelor #2: I shouldn't be so hard on him because he really just wants to encourage people, but his spelling mistakes are great because he doesn't actually misspell, he uses homophones to create subtly wrong meanings.

1) Answering "the one thing I am most passionate about" he says, "This would be fully expressing the potential of your skills and abilities. (Julie interjects: this is a stupid explanation, anyway, go on...) Mine would be making possible the ability of someone to reach their goals in fitness through personnel training. To see someones life transform in front of you through exercise, and to think I was a cause to that is simply amazing." exercise? I thought you just said you liked to help people reach their fitness goals through personnel training, so I thought you were passionate about a human resources related field. my bad.

2) "I really have a high respect for people who desire to reach their potential. I would love to be apart of helping them reach their goals." I also like to distance myself from people I respect who are trying to reach their goals. They are annoying in the pursuit of their dreams.

3) "Although I do plan ahead, I tend to have frequent moments of spontaneous ideas. One moment your sitting on the coach watching TV and the next moment your riding a rollercoster." sitting on the coach? is that a euphemism for you as a fitness trainer? I'm cool with sexy time, but don't tempt me with rollercoaster rides when you really want to have sex. it's not the same.

The message that will be on the news

I got a message from a guy that says "Hey pretty lady, can I get to know you better?" and then he gives his email and phone number. At first I was thinking "what a fool to give me his information, what if I'm psycho?" and then I realized...it's probably because HE'S psycho. and that message will be the thing that the CSI people get off my computer after I disappear and everyone's like "where did Julie go" and they'll see this message. and that's the message they will blow up on the evening news and my life will live on as a warning to others.

Racial Backroads and other tidbits

So my friend and I are both online with the same dating website, and we realized we'd both been messaged by the same guy. And then we compared messages, and it turns out it was the EXACT SAME MESSAGE. It said:

"Hi. I really enjoyed your profile. I liked a few things in particular: that you are passionate about your faith and that you’re intelligent (both come through very clearly). And you’re very pretty. I’d love to hear more about you. Can we chat sometime?"

So we had a good laugh over that, but now I wonder how many of the guys on here just have generic messages that they send to every girl...probably a lot of them...so now I'll be wondering if every message I get is just something the guy copied and pasted into an e-mail. Sigh. As if I wasn't cynical enough already.

Another good quotes from a recent message:

"I'm into dating women of all racial backroads." I love that. I wonder what racial backroad he thinks I am from?

And a quote from one guy's profile: "I will not be responding to any messages from south east Asia. I hope you understand."

I like to listen to Tool because I *am* a tool

As a woman with a working mind and a career there's really no better way to attract me than to refer to women as "Barbie." In Bachelor#1's words (answering a question about important influences in his life): "a person's relationship with their parents is far more important than most relationships. And no I don't feel like arguing about it with you Barbi." Now, his parents (Dad specifically) might be an important influence but he later states that "of course" he doesn't act the same way around his parents as he does his friends, "not that I'm a waffler like Al Gore either."

Is it offensive that he can't even spell Barbie? I'm kind of happy the misspelling is there because it's really the icing on the misogynist cake. He talks about his penis a lot (maybe that's one way he acts differently around his friends than around his parents?) He talks about his penis and his hot body...then instructs the Barbies reading his profile to get their minds out of the gutter...but then later he says he hopes his future love owns a vibrator. He likes to restate facts condescendingly, he says he's "thankful for free will, which is commonly overlooked" and then explains what it is. I guess Barbies probably are too dumb to know what free will is. And somehow I doubt anyone dating him will have any. He also criticizes the pre-form eharmony text. the box says "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is..." In response to this seemingly harmless text he writes, "why does it say "a person," shouldn't it say "girl or woman?" because he is a homophobe, and so vehemently so that it's probably a matter of time before he comes out of the closet himself. When he does, all of his penis love and boasting will be a great attractor to his new beaus. He writes many times that he likes the music of Tool. That seems to be the best descriptor for him.

Bachelor #2 for today has a series of pictures that show him going from merely looking hairy and douchebaggy, to being on a cell phone in a club, to being very drunk in a club, posing with other women, and finally with his head on the table passed out. he also says the most influential people in his life have been heroes of the Bible and how they handle their personal lives. he even mentions David, and actually the drunkenness and whoring really *is* sort of Davidesque. Are you thinking what I am thinking? I could be dating the modern day David. He says twice that he is thankful for "my country" but due to well-crafted sentences such as this, "Even though I may or may not oppose their thoughts, the most important thing that I become more in depth by understanding a different view point of life through exchanging thoughts and feelings with someone else." I have a feeling the country he is thankful for is not the USA.

Bachelor #3 seems legitimately awesome. I wish I could violate his privacy by posting his profile because it should be a template for all other dating profiles. examples: his statement for the "the most important thing I am looking for in a person is..." he says, "I'm looking for a girl that can make me laugh. I'm not talking about a chuckle here or there, but seriously, belly-aching, can't-breathe funny. Oh, and if she can play golf better than me (which isn't saying much), that would be great, too. In fact, I'd love it if she were better than me in a lot of stuff - sports, trivia, singing, games, or cooking. I'm looking for a partner, not a dependent." In response to "besides your parents who has been the most important influence in your life?" he writes, "Homer Simpson! He's a failure at virtually everything, and yet he manages to keep his family, home, and marriage. Ultimately, he means well, and I think that counts for everything."

wanna guess bachelor #3's ethnicity? ........he........is..........Korean! of course he is! Koreans write the best dating profiles. It's like a natural law. Like gravity.

Bachelor #4 says he loves ketchup. Now some of you probably think "awesome" and may even think "awesome *because* Julie loves sauces too." But actually, ketchup is the nasty white trash of condiments. Ketchup isn't even a sauce to me. sometimes it exists if a french fry is in the vicinity. otherwise it is dead to me. Mustard is an adult condiment. He also says he is "doing the navy right now." hmmm, perhaps we could word that better until DADT is officially repealed and then by all means, divulge all you want.

Just Shoot Me

I signed up with an online dating site yesterday. It takes a lot for me to plunge back into this world, I haven't had the stomach for it for a few about a year. But I was recently convicted by a friend that I can't pray to God to bring me a soulmate and then sit on my ass and do nothing.

So, just went on and checked my messages. My favorite was from a man with a mullet. Which is already fully gray. And I should note he's balding on top so its really only half a mullet. He says:

"noticed your profile shows you have many interestest flowing and developed from the foundation of your christian parents- including living and loving Taiwan and as well justice.as a passion for social justice....and perhaps it goes without saying oriental foods..."

I should note this man is not Asian. If only. No, he is from Saskatchewan. And he is 51.

you're in. urine.

I have just been matched with a man whose main picture is of him holding up a full urine sample cup. Stop the presses. My soulmate has arrived. He "loves anything old west" and is looking for a woman ages 18-95. yes, I think I'm in! I've often been told I could be a bar wench and I think that extends to being an "old west" prostitute/waitress.

Bachelor #2 tells me this about the woman he is looking for: I'm attracted to women with the following qualities: sweet, family oriented, non-smoker, occasional drinks (ok), familiar with GOD, financially complementing, educated, skinny (ok), average weight (ok), a little thick (ok).

First, "a little thick (ok)". Thanks for being an equal opportunity body lover, sir. particularly hilarious especially since this is not a person who can really afford to be picky re: looks. actually all of his little approvals given to the side were pretty funny. and what does "financially complementing" mean? Why doesn't he have an approval scale for those, like $5,000 (not ok) $30,000 (ok), $50,000 (ok).

Bachelor #3: that's a nice cowboy hat you're wearing, sir. and you love hunting and your kids? oh, and not a big reader? shocking. FAIL.

Bachelor #4's first sentence is "My mother is my best friend." His last sentence is "I need a woman who respects her mother and mine." I think this man has been in a sitcom...and in an episode of law&order that ended in murder.