you're married, singing, and your eyes are lolling about. get it together.

Bachelor #1 says that the first things people notice about him are his eyes and his outgoing personality.Later he reveals that something he is extremely self-conscious about is...his wild lazy eye. oh hell. so, people first notice his eyes because one of them is lolling about all over the place like Mad-Eye Moody? oh babe. actually, my best friend from college has a lazy eye and I can barely tell. and if he hadnt said anything, I bet it wouldnt really faze me. but now if I meet him I'm going to be trying not to look at his eyes to make him feel insecure, but then when I inevitably do, I'll have to discern which one is looking at me? where is he looking? is he looking at that other girl? does he have a wandering eye? yes. literally. aww, crap.

Hey Van Gogh, "what do people notice first about you?" "My ear. I only have one because I cut the other off in a psychotic rage. call me, baby!"

So I have a new chatting/emailing tactic. The short story: it's entrapment. As we do the painful getting-to-know-you set of interactions I try to casually ask if my future love happens to like going to jazz shows and if he loves pets. And if he says yes, he gets the kibosh! Which leads me to the unfortunate case of bachelor #2 who enthusiastically enumerated the many jazz musicians he loved (and their histories) before I had to send him the sad message "I appreciate your passion very much, but unfortunately I hate jazz and still have a tic from my last jazz boyfriend." but i really feel like i dodged a bullet there. if you want to know the perils of a jazz boyfriend: http://www.buzzfeed.com/causticcamp/why-you-should-never-date-a-jazz-boyfriend-pjy

Bachelor #3: Isn't a bachelor! he's married. Now, that pisses me off on behalf of his wife (open relationship, my ass) but this guy in particular  really annoyed me because he didn't openly say he was married, he hints at it vaguely at the end of his profile. when i said "are you married?" he responded "oh man, how did you figure that out?" he didn't want me to "judge him off the bat" because he felt he could explain it away. oh, married and a manipulator too? i appreciated him underestimating my ability to figure out that, yes, he is still legally married. just what every girl dreams of.

(speaking of marriage) Bachelor #4: so my friend is cruising this website and runs across her best friend's still-very-married-to-the-best-friend's-mother FATHER! NOOOOOOOOOOO. i'm taking up a collection for therapy for everyone involved (except for him, he can suck it). and, dude, if you just want to hook up, take a hint from the nasty (but at least shrewd) married pilots and businessmen on these sites who know never to post pictures of their faces nor hints of their real names.

Bachelor #5. at first I thought he was joking about his passion for a certain pastime. but then there were pictures. so. here's the real sum-up sentence of his profile: "I loooove to sing karaoke, get my classmates and colleagues to sing, and watch other people who nail a song and give 'em high five and you're like YEAH! and it gets you so pumped." so i can date him if i ever want my life to be made into a Christopher Guest movie. The great thing is that I am convinced there's a lonely 40 year old who's gonna be all over this young song-fueled 27 y.o. maybe even Gwyneth Paltrow.