Viva Korea

I'm going to admit this once and only once: I'm desperate to get into the world of Korean dating. Koreans are like the gold standard on dating websites. Let me explain: while Koreans are just as fine as all other Asian races in general, for some reason, on American dating websites, Koreans consistently have the best profiles of any racial group. period. They must hold some sort of class in the community centers or something. Korean profiles are consistently funny, self-deprecating, intelligent, sans any weird, horrific pictures. They are also the hardest racial group to crack. I once let out a whoop of joy when I got to round 4 of messaging with a Korean. Why do you mention this now, Julie? Well, I just got paired with a Korean whose profile was pretty sparse. Both of his pictures are of him unsmiling with his arms crossed, which is your basic posture for "I am hostile, go away." But....I messaged him anyway. Because..itt isn't about him, really. He has the basic good structure--grad student, one humorous thing, one religious tidbit... Isn't that sad? what have I become? a user.

Our second daily submission tells us that he loves Star Wars. He also doesn't seem to love bathing, which is sort of typical of his kind. But his requirements in a woman are basically that she physically be an anime character...who makes a lot of money. So he wants a sugar mama anime character. In 15 years he will wake up bald, with a paunch, and wonder why he is alone, so very alone.

Bachelor 3 has a shirtless picture of himself with his also shirtles smanfriend behind him with his hand on his shoulder. I just have a feeling he might not really mesh with my gender. Just a feeling.

and done.

chat attack

So the two times I haven't disabled my chat, I have gotten chatted up by someone who basically wanted an instant booty call. Apparently I am a virtual monastic because I find it horrifying that anyone would want to do such a thing. I was also recently regaled with a friend's stories of treating her STDs at Planned Parenthood, and that whole ordeal nearly made me sew it all up and forget about it. So, the exciting spontaneity of hitting it off over chat and then getting it on pales in comparison to the idea of genital herpes.

Oh man. Bachelor number one seems kind of sweet..for another girl. He likes country music and...smooth jazz. Who even admits to this? and who is under 60 and has these tastes? I kind of wanted to send him the research from my Brain Candy book saying that country music increases suicide rates among white men. I should be like " I can't love you because you are inevitably going to off yourself in an untimely and horrifying manner."

bachelor #2...lists his occupation as "cu" as in...is his occupation to "see me?" in which case, awesome, i've always wanted a stalker. He also gives this tempting tidbit: "I tend to expand other peoples ideas to the extreme edges of reality." He ends by saying he enjoys messing with people when he "expands their reality". What an enormous ass. Who would want to be around this person? You know expanded my idea of reality? The guy who posted pictures of himself as Jesus and God. This guy has no mind-altering pictures, only infinite word pictures of condescension.

Why? Oh why, cruel world?

So I just signed up for a dating site which will remain nameless. The worst part of these sites is trying to encapsulate all of your fabulousness in a few lines written into the void.
All of that said, I soon realized that I shouldn't have worried about my profile so much. Some of my matches had profiles that were naked cries for help. My favorite bachelor tried to tempt me with this as the first line of his profile:
A lot of things happening around me...But in the middle, there's this unescapable voidness and I'm not depressed. I guess I just need a spark that would make my surroundings as colorful as it was before. I am Reasonable, Understanding, and Lonely.

It's nice that he can love on after looking into the "unescapable voidness."

languages

Unh, so I have this ex coworker who is so gorgeous. And he messages me on facebook every once in a while. And he is so sweet and he's a photographer and an artist, but he's totally approachable and dependable. But oh man, does he barely speak English. He's like the Rodrigo Santoro to my Love Actually's Laura Linney. And we'll make it stiltingly through chat and I'm like, hmmm, maybe, you know..and then..he signs off  "keep connection!" grooooaaannnn. Sweet Lord, there is no justice.

Holy shit. seriously.

I get being a little insecure about how you look. You know, life is hard for the less beautiful of us. So usually dudes will post pictures where they are the size of a staple. Maybe side pics. Pics hugging friends...But this is a new one. I just got messaged by a man whose profile pictures are of Jesus and God. Think I'm kidding? I don't think I'll be compromising anyone's privacy by posting these:

This guy (pause to compose self). This guy...is all up on his confusing religious high horse for the first part of the message. and then, reveals he is single, has no kids, but. BUT. he was once engaged, until.HE.cheated. HORRIFIC.

So bachelor #2 was kind of exciting. He loves travel, his ideal life would be to start a family and live part of the year in the mountains and part on the beach. And I'm a spontaneous dame, I'd be up for that. So what if he spells the word "enjoy" as "injoy"...5 times. He's..in..joy. yeah, so what does this man do that we can have a dashing, multicity family life? Occupation: Nothing. He is unemployed. So he lives in his delicious dreams. Unless he lives off the royalties of some songs his father wrote, ala Hugh Grant in About a Boy...though I don't think I'm going to stick around to find out. I'm no stranger to this m.o., actually. I've now been fully proposed to by two Middle Eastern men working night shifts at gas stations. One told me he would give me four days to consider his proposal. I was also offered a position as one man's girlfriend after he told me that every day he ate the 2-for-1 muffins sold by the cafe down the street. Oh sirs..all very tempting, but...no.

Hunters and serial killers, I'm no one's tender grass

Today is one of those days when I wish I were a lesbian. My hair color clearly should have been red, but some work of the devil made it blonde, so God gave me Feria to rectify things. Why can't I dye my orientation?

Bachelor #1: My first message of the day was from a FIFTY-THREE year old man. His message started with the sentence "I like your face." Hmm. I guess it's better than him not liking my face. Anyway, he found me from alikewise, the book website. And his #1 favorite book is In Cold Blood by Capote, and they didn't get cheerier from there. He is clearly a serial killer and "likes my face" for the wrong reasons. This made me ponder a moment what was worse than singledom and rather quickly I came up with "being murdered" and "dating a 53 year old". Men are really fantastically optimistic when it comes to this age issue. There's a Chinese saying "Old cows like to eat tender grass" and in its gross, humorous way, I think it sums up this situation nicely.

Bachelor #2: For the record, I did not, in any forum, express anything but disdain for killing and/or our country's woeful educational system, so why am I being paired with so many effing hunters who can't spell or punctuate? hence bachelor 2: "what are you passionate about? hunting faith and love". Now, if he were passionate about hunting for faith, that could be intriguing. "How do you spend your leisure time? nature, pets, prayer." at least we got some commas in there! I'm glad he likes to raise animals and also to kill them. His whole profile had 20 of his own words. Possibly a minimalist record.

Bachelor #3: just one picture. and that picture is of a headless torso and crotch. Just how I always imagined I'd explain it to my children. *sigh*

Theoretically, if I were into you at all...

I have been conversing with a bizarrely enthusiastic hipster man who, in his last message, used 9 exclamation points in 4 lines. That's too many. Is there a quota? I don't know. Now, believe me, I understand that there are far worse heights of douchery that can be achieved, so it's not a dealbreaker or anything. But whatever exclamatory boundary there is, he has crossed it.

Bachelor #1 for today leads me to this question: Would it be rude to message someone to let them know I think they might have a learning disability? He has written words on his profile..do said words make sense together?... I'll let you take a look. This answer is to the question "what book did you last read?" He answers, "I'm not much into reading books but If i was i would read histroical events and true storys in not into Fiction True story Movies are the best because you get to see and get a touch of what went on in that moment." First, this proper nouning of random words in his life is rampant throughout said profile. Second, yes he is a native English speaker...apparently. Third, I like that he answered this theoretically. I might have to take a page from this man's book. For example, to questions about my physical prowess, "If I were an athletic person, I would do triathlons and climb Mt. Everest drinking hot chocolate, I would enjoy running on the beach." He also uses the word "underspoken" and says many women try to turn him down nicely because of his underspokenness and because his mind wanders. I feel a little sorry for him. Sadly, though he may be a perfectly nice man, I don't think I would really, or theoretically, enjoy dating him.

Bachelor #2: I made a bet with myself that if my match, Melvin, wasn't Asian I would eat my own bonnet. I totally won. Of course Melvin is Asian. I do know some things in my heart.

Bachelor #3's favorite place to travel is Florin....Are we traveling to the Princess Bride? He may have also unearthed a new favorite misspelling..."closet" instead of "closest". He says that "only my closet friends know the outgoing me." There are many a gay and delusional road to be traveled with this typo. Enjoy!

Bachelor #4 is also very exclamatory. He also likes WRITING WITH CAPS LOCK ON. he doesn't like commas, which gives us one particularly excellent insight when he says, in response to the question "what do you enjoy doing?" "CHURCH WEIGHT LIFTING" Did I mention he wants to become a PASTOR CAGE FIGHTER? This guy and the dude who wrote The Shack, with its muscly Jesus, are probably right in line.

Bachelor #5  "would like to meet a sweet, genuine girl who is not rude, bitchy or full of herself." et tu, my friend.

In their own words....

I was inundated by matches, and the first one I saw indicated that this entry needed some suspenseful leadup. So, without further ado:

My magical first pairing. Bachelor #1 in his own words: "I have a Rastafarian/Christian world view. By that, I mean I live life closer to that of a Rasta Man than a traditional American Christian but I follow Jesus instead of Ras Tafari."

What this means is: I am a Christian person, but I smoke a lot of pot.

Bachelor #2: what is he looking for in a woman? "The fruit of Love, and all the characteristics that make up the fruit of Love!"

I know he's trying to be Biblical, but I can't get over the "fruit of love" euphemism. I feel like I'm looking at a Georgia O'Keefe painting.

Bachelor #3 has a picture of himself with a dead moose that he just shot and many pictures that appear to be either mug shots or closeups from a yearbook.

Bachelor #4: Felipe...the Japanese guy?

Bachelor #5: I love it when people are indignant and condescending in their profiles before you even get to talk to them. here's an excerpt from this dude's profile: "The bible promises trouble for those who marry, yet here we seek it. Vows mean nothing until they are tested. If you think love is an adjective, don't waste your time trying to get to know me."

"yet here we seek it." actually sir, no *we* don't.

Bachelor #6: appears to think "the" is spelled "tha" and also doesn't like finishing words. Just=jus telling=tellin keeping=keepin. The last book he read is "!"

Bachelor #7 in his own words "The art of seduction by Robert Greene. I haven't finished it yet but is interesting how he explains in what type of seducer you can fit and how to exploit this abilities not only to improve your love life also for your social life and career goals. "

At least he isn't trying to hide the fact that he is trying to manipulate me. or rather, exploit me.

Bachelor #8: I'd like to thank him for the nearly nude photo. he asks us not to judge a book by its cover. then why am I looking at your pelvic bones, sir? but he has this advice for all us ladies living life to  the fullest each day, "have a smile on your face when you wake up in the mourning"

and done.

mother teresa?

Now, I love a man who loves social justice, okay, but when today's first pairing says he is looking for someone selfless like Mother Teresa, Gandhi or Jesus, I can't help but think a) maybe our standards and expectations are a little high and b) 2/3 of those examples were celibate. and gandhi became celibate late in life. soooo, why are you on a dating website if you want to marry a virgin, and possibly a man virgin. but you have 3 kids. I think you want a maid/daycare provider. as opposed to yesterday's rapist, this man expects *no* sex. and he spelled "heart" "hart".

#2 refers to  the person he wants to meet as "that certain someone" 7 times. the last book he read? "it was about relationships. it helped open my mind to, (get ready for it) relationships" thanks sir. another good captain obvious quote "I am thankful for my health, it makes me healthy", oh, and "i like proverbs, they are about wisdom."