Straight, Single, Sad, Scary

 

Bachelor #1 says he wants a girl with a faithful mindset because he's "been through his party phase." really? then why is this your main profile picture?(modified to protect the guilty):

p.s.This is before he got himself an ENORMOUS chest tattoo (a flaming winged heart over his heart. really.) And in yet another photo he's flipping off the camera. "HAWT" in the parlance of his times.

Bachelor #2 says, "I'm Intellegent." No, you're not.

Bachelor #3 overshares this, "I have been cheated on in all my previous relationships... I guess that's the way they wanted out. It would be nice if they just told me they wanted out.. but I am starting to feel like I am "Broken" because this is happening too much." DAMN, kid. I really do feel bad for you, but there's a despair.com poster for you: "the only consistent feature in your dissatisfying relationships, is you." And I can't go there. I've never been a cheater and I don't want to become one. I didn't know it was contagious.

Bachelor #4 tells me, "Please don’t think that exclusion of thought and mediation are one and the same." I don't think anyone who can read thinks that.

Oh God, It's a Cat-chelor #5, "I have one cat now Mothra, Godzilla my other cat had to be put to sleep on April 8th when his kidneys began to fail him. Godzilla would have been 16 a week later. I'd had him since he was a kitten and he was a wonderful companion and I miss him very very much. I made this picture montage video about him after he passed. Mothra is a great cat too, she is around 15, and is just incredibly loving."

I'd like to thank Bachelor #6 for his resume: "Single 46 year old computer tech with 22 years experience and 4 years of component level electronics. Basically electrical, mechanical hardware/software it doesn't really matter. A natural troubleshooter, rarely fail or get overwhelmed. The thought that i might not solve the problem just isn't there." This might be appealing if I were a hiring director. As a potential mate it makes me think you're career obsessed and an arrogant ass. further evidenced by this statement "I'm an expert at playing devil's advocate." That just means "I am overtly annoying." p.s. you're way out of my age range, and your profile age says 48, not 46 (which is still too old) . and this "Foreign films I'd rather watch subs where you get the actor's original performance instead of out-of-sync dubbing. THE DARKER AND MORE VIOLENT THE BETTER. For the past couple of years I've started collecting quite a bit of japanese and eastern horror." is the nail in your scary/annoying coffin.

One of my trainees this week has a voice exactly like Morgan Freeman and asked me if I would be training his next class. Sadly I am not, because I think he was asking me to join him in a wild affair. And considering my options, I probably would have.

Overboard

bachelor #1 in his own words and grammar (or lack thereof):

"i'm a loving farther of 2 boys 6 and 8 years old, they are my world.my fravorite pasttime is going to the drive in with my kids,every friday night,we watch both kid friendly and any thing dad wants to see when they are asleep. i enjoy watching the chargers on sundays but the boys like to do other stuff,maily jump on me.i have my boys full time,its amazing the conversion you can have with a 8 yr old.im a big yankees fan and injoy watching when i can.i have two (full size)dogs and sometimes my brothers 2 dogs with me,2 growing boys and 4 dogs at once i most be crazy,but the dogs make the boys happy.

my favorite book is bible,and Necronomiconexmortis, roughly translated, the Book of the Dead. Inked in human blood and bound in human flesh it was never meant for the world of the living. ,but my boys rather i do things with them,I might not get to finish it.
I am easy going, spontaneous, and in it to win it"

where to start? a) his boys sound like the boys from the classic Goldie Hawn cautionary tale cum horror film about motherhood, Overboard. b) and there are dogs c) i don't know if i like it when dudes call themselves Dad in 3rd person. d) I don't want to know what Dad watches when the boys are asleep e) sorry your boys take you away from reading the necronomicon...inked in blood and bound in human flesh. i hate it when kids distract us from the truly important things f) I bet 6 and 8 year old boys could cause many conversions in me--like my planned conversion to a woman who stabs out  her own ovaries g) if that last line is a reference to hillary clinton's presidential bid and indicates some sort of love for her, then i forgive everything and yes, we should meet.

uh, I'm not shallow, bachelor #2 (no really, i date uncute people) but dude is not only old (49) but seriously looks like an old Asian clown cult leader with a really bad combover, though he does have a wild-and-crazy-guy smile that makes him seem just dorky. I don't want to compromise his identity so i went to the internets to find an anonymous doppelganger. I think this will do:

ugh, and some 48 year old Buddhist (bachelor #3) who vastly over punctuates !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ????????????????????? ............... has made me disable my chat on OK Cupid--a feature I never use anyway and which I had forgotten existed until Buddha wouldn't stop bothering me. I was so annoyed I almost (almost) wrote, "look, you're too old, your sperm is nearly dried and defunct. I'm sorry you feel like your many world travels have caused you to miss out on life. There are lots of ladies in Asia who would probably be happy to comfort you. And in your profile your shirt is tucked in to your pants, and either your feathered blonde hair is from the 80s or your picture is from the 80s. neither of these things is good." but I just lied and said I had to go get dinner with friends. and then I proceeded to eat pork rinds in bed.

I always think it's funny when there are unexplained children in pictures. I think dudes are trying to convey that they are kid friendly, but with no captions it's really anyone's guess. example. bachelor #4's only profile picture features him, a rather dark-skinned Indian man, happily posing with a blonde toddler who sort of appears to be trying to get away from his clutches....did he steal him? is that actually his biological child and you merely look Indian because of a devastating case of tannorexia? is this like Baby Boom where you inherited the child after someone's death? What gives?

you're married, singing, and your eyes are lolling about. get it together.

Bachelor #1 says that the first things people notice about him are his eyes and his outgoing personality.Later he reveals that something he is extremely self-conscious about is...his wild lazy eye. oh hell. so, people first notice his eyes because one of them is lolling about all over the place like Mad-Eye Moody? oh babe. actually, my best friend from college has a lazy eye and I can barely tell. and if he hadnt said anything, I bet it wouldnt really faze me. but now if I meet him I'm going to be trying not to look at his eyes to make him feel insecure, but then when I inevitably do, I'll have to discern which one is looking at me? where is he looking? is he looking at that other girl? does he have a wandering eye? yes. literally. aww, crap.

Hey Van Gogh, "what do people notice first about you?" "My ear. I only have one because I cut the other off in a psychotic rage. call me, baby!"

So I have a new chatting/emailing tactic. The short story: it's entrapment. As we do the painful getting-to-know-you set of interactions I try to casually ask if my future love happens to like going to jazz shows and if he loves pets. And if he says yes, he gets the kibosh! Which leads me to the unfortunate case of bachelor #2 who enthusiastically enumerated the many jazz musicians he loved (and their histories) before I had to send him the sad message "I appreciate your passion very much, but unfortunately I hate jazz and still have a tic from my last jazz boyfriend." but i really feel like i dodged a bullet there. if you want to know the perils of a jazz boyfriend: http://www.buzzfeed.com/causticcamp/why-you-should-never-date-a-jazz-boyfriend-pjy

Bachelor #3: Isn't a bachelor! he's married. Now, that pisses me off on behalf of his wife (open relationship, my ass) but this guy in particular  really annoyed me because he didn't openly say he was married, he hints at it vaguely at the end of his profile. when i said "are you married?" he responded "oh man, how did you figure that out?" he didn't want me to "judge him off the bat" because he felt he could explain it away. oh, married and a manipulator too? i appreciated him underestimating my ability to figure out that, yes, he is still legally married. just what every girl dreams of.

(speaking of marriage) Bachelor #4: so my friend is cruising this website and runs across her best friend's still-very-married-to-the-best-friend's-mother FATHER! NOOOOOOOOOOO. i'm taking up a collection for therapy for everyone involved (except for him, he can suck it). and, dude, if you just want to hook up, take a hint from the nasty (but at least shrewd) married pilots and businessmen on these sites who know never to post pictures of their faces nor hints of their real names.

Bachelor #5. at first I thought he was joking about his passion for a certain pastime. but then there were pictures. so. here's the real sum-up sentence of his profile: "I loooove to sing karaoke, get my classmates and colleagues to sing, and watch other people who nail a song and give 'em high five and you're like YEAH! and it gets you so pumped." so i can date him if i ever want my life to be made into a Christopher Guest movie. The great thing is that I am convinced there's a lonely 40 year old who's gonna be all over this young song-fueled 27 y.o. maybe even Gwyneth Paltrow.

COFFEE NICE COZY COFFEE

While I have not received any offers to be a shared girlfriend (wow), here are some of my favorite messages and lines that I've read lately:

Message from Bachelor #1:
"Leave a message with your name & phone number. My next trip will be a surprise."

Bachelor #2's profile, in response to the question "Where were you born?":
"I was born in a hospital, oh thank you God. You see God is good."

Message from Bachelor #3:
"I will take you for a walk on the beach in moonlight, see the movie Titanic with you fifteen times."

Bachelor #4's profile, in response to where he likes to go on a first date:
"I prefer to meet for a water."

Bachelor #5's profile, in response to what he's looking for in a woman (this is my favorite):
"I am looking for someone who has a personally and intermittent relatienship with our savoir.
I am looking for someone who can jus kick back enjoy the life Christ has giving me. When trials and tribulations come our way don’t run away but run to the cross my great comforter than I can call yourself CHRISTIAN save by the BLOOD that was spilled on CALIVAR."

In response to where to go on a first date: "I WOULD SAY COFFEE NICE COZY COFFEE SOMEWHERE SHE”S COMFORTABLE"

His occupation? Movie Star.