Overboard

bachelor #1 in his own words and grammar (or lack thereof):

"i'm a loving farther of 2 boys 6 and 8 years old, they are my world.my fravorite pasttime is going to the drive in with my kids,every friday night,we watch both kid friendly and any thing dad wants to see when they are asleep. i enjoy watching the chargers on sundays but the boys like to do other stuff,maily jump on me.i have my boys full time,its amazing the conversion you can have with a 8 yr old.im a big yankees fan and injoy watching when i can.i have two (full size)dogs and sometimes my brothers 2 dogs with me,2 growing boys and 4 dogs at once i most be crazy,but the dogs make the boys happy.

my favorite book is bible,and Necronomiconexmortis, roughly translated, the Book of the Dead. Inked in human blood and bound in human flesh it was never meant for the world of the living. ,but my boys rather i do things with them,I might not get to finish it.
I am easy going, spontaneous, and in it to win it"

where to start? a) his boys sound like the boys from the classic Goldie Hawn cautionary tale cum horror film about motherhood, Overboard. b) and there are dogs c) i don't know if i like it when dudes call themselves Dad in 3rd person. d) I don't want to know what Dad watches when the boys are asleep e) sorry your boys take you away from reading the necronomicon...inked in blood and bound in human flesh. i hate it when kids distract us from the truly important things f) I bet 6 and 8 year old boys could cause many conversions in me--like my planned conversion to a woman who stabs out  her own ovaries g) if that last line is a reference to hillary clinton's presidential bid and indicates some sort of love for her, then i forgive everything and yes, we should meet.

uh, I'm not shallow, bachelor #2 (no really, i date uncute people) but dude is not only old (49) but seriously looks like an old Asian clown cult leader with a really bad combover, though he does have a wild-and-crazy-guy smile that makes him seem just dorky. I don't want to compromise his identity so i went to the internets to find an anonymous doppelganger. I think this will do:

ugh, and some 48 year old Buddhist (bachelor #3) who vastly over punctuates !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ????????????????????? ............... has made me disable my chat on OK Cupid--a feature I never use anyway and which I had forgotten existed until Buddha wouldn't stop bothering me. I was so annoyed I almost (almost) wrote, "look, you're too old, your sperm is nearly dried and defunct. I'm sorry you feel like your many world travels have caused you to miss out on life. There are lots of ladies in Asia who would probably be happy to comfort you. And in your profile your shirt is tucked in to your pants, and either your feathered blonde hair is from the 80s or your picture is from the 80s. neither of these things is good." but I just lied and said I had to go get dinner with friends. and then I proceeded to eat pork rinds in bed.

I always think it's funny when there are unexplained children in pictures. I think dudes are trying to convey that they are kid friendly, but with no captions it's really anyone's guess. example. bachelor #4's only profile picture features him, a rather dark-skinned Indian man, happily posing with a blonde toddler who sort of appears to be trying to get away from his clutches....did he steal him? is that actually his biological child and you merely look Indian because of a devastating case of tannorexia? is this like Baby Boom where you inherited the child after someone's death? What gives?