Online dating is like self-flagellation for me. I literally winced this morning as I logged in to face the messages and profiles of my "visitors" and "matches." And no, I am not an overenthusiastic user of quotes. If these men match me as much as these sites say they do, I think I will commit seppuku, because clearly my conception of myself is amiss and I am a horrifying human. I have taken to calling EHarmony, EHarmingme, and in all seriousness, because all it does is put me into a dense fog of disappointment and depression and makes me start honestly considering getting the male equivalent of Ryan Gosling's Japanese sex doll in Lars and the Real Girl. The people at my church are nice, they would probably roll with it, I'm thinking.
On OKCupid I have earned the distinction of being one who "responds rarely." It's true, I do not respond to booty calls by 0% matches who inevitably ping me with a shirtless selfie and some misspelled variant of "hey, how you doin' tonight?" I am picky like that.
As a recent Onion headline stated, characteristics that once seemed non-negotiable to me are now up for consideration and it makes my future candidates for amor ever more intriguing and horrifying.
This, for instance is the picture of someone who is a 65% match:
Which is awesome since I am basically a pacifist, not a secret pacifist, like an openly acknowledged one. Sometimes I think this whole Christianity thing causes people to overestimate what we can overcome. Which one of these headless glories is my match? Does it even matter? No. And ps, he never does indicate which one he is, so the mystery lives on and will do so forever, since he is being added to the casualty list of people I cannot bring myself to respond to. He actually sent me a number of one liner messages, the most recent of which was when I had actually logged in and he sent the message "I've seen you." If I wanted to invite upon myself a lifetime of changing identities as I run away from an abuser who has been given lethal training by my tax dollars, then respond I would. Ask me again in five years.
In other crazy news, my profile has made two Latin men very heartsick. I feel like an emotionally healthy person, after I say that I am on a work assignment and then traveling for a month for fun, would go find other weary women to message and perhaps wait for the time when I will return. In fact, no. Instead multiple messages of missing me have been sent from both of them. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? Also, I'm sorry, you say 20 times VERY UNSUBTLY in your profile that you love marijuana. And your profile picture has you smoking a joint while wearing a che guevara shirt. I can't even handle this. I know exactly what my future doesn't hold if I end up with you. Things like success, happiness, or a day without munchies. And I thought the guy whose profile pic was a religious picture of a lamb with a halo was a shit show.
This whole enterprise makes me want to vote to reappropriate all defense spending into the mental health system. We have a whole database of candidates. And I am one of them.
And finally, to get your week started on the right foot, this guy:
